Heroes
Lionfish, which are keeping Florida in seafood. The spiny fish species has been running rampant since the 1980s, says InsideHook, “due to its insatiable appetite and lack of predators”. In response, local biologists and fishermen are ruthlessly slaughtering and eating them. “We have everything,” says marine scientist Alex Fogg. “Coconut crusted lionfish, lionfish sushi, ceviche, fajitas, burritos, pretty much every presentation you can think of.”
Villain
Meghan Markle, who could do serious damage to US-UK relations, says Michael Deacon in The Daily Telegraph. The Duchess of Sussex is apparently considering trying to run for president as a Democrat – if she won, the Royal Family would be obliged to invite her for a state visit. “Just imagine how that could turn out. ‘Why, how delightful to bump into you again after all these years, Meghan darling.’ ‘That’s Madam President to you, Kate dear.’” By teatime “it would be 1776 all over again”.
Hero
Ukraine’s Eurovision commentator, Timur Miroshnychenko, who isn’t letting the small matter of a Russian invasion get in the way of Europe’s premier pop competition. Miroshnychenko is broadcasting from a stone-walled bomb shelter to safeguard against missile attacks. Hopefully it’s well-stocked with champagne: Ukraine’s entry is a favourite to win this year’s contest.
Villain
Golf legend Greg Norman, who thinks we should give Saudi Arabia a break. Norman is fronting a Saudi-funded golf tournament which begins next month in St Albans. When asked about the kingdom’s predilection for dismembering dissident journalists, among other human rights abuses, the Aussie reasoned: “We’ve all made mistakes.”