Of all the places that can boast “Queen Elizabeth II slept here”, only one has plastic taps, Formica tables, strip lighting “and an address in Milton Keynes”, says Robert Hardman in the Daily Mail: the royal train. The claret-coloured locomotive – which Buckingham Palace has announced will retire in 2027 – never arrives at its destination more than 15 seconds late, halts no more than six inches from the red carpet laid out on the platform, and has a bullet hole in the Royal Household dining car from when a police officer accidentally discharged his side arm in 2000. Staff bunks lie horizontally, like any regular sleeper train, while the Royals’ beds run lengthways to match the direction of travel.

The train, complete with avocado-coloured bathroom suites and the ambiance of a “two-star hotel circa 1980”, has been a much-loved method of travel for monarchs over the years. The Duke of Edinburgh kept a “framed, blown-up copy” of his Senior Citizen’s Railcard on the wall of his carriage. Queen Victoria was so convinced that eating or using the loo while on board was disruptive to her digestive system that she had elaborate premises for “retiring” built at stations along the route between London and Balmoral. Edward VII ordered new rolling stock with the proviso that it must be “as much like the Royal Yacht as possible”, and Queen Mary demanded that the train never travel faster than 5mph when she was in her full-length bath.

🚂 ✈️ Scrapping this environmentally friendly, “clockwork-perfect piece of British engineering heritage” will save less than Ed Miliband’s department spends annually on air fares, says Michael Gove in The Spectator. As Philip Larkin put it, when another round of cost-cutting left a lesser Britain:

“The statues will be standing in the same
Tree-muffled squares, and look nearly the same.
Our children will not know it’s a different country.
All we can hope to leave them now is money.”

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THE BARN HOUSES These four converted barns in the “rolling hills” of Wickmere, Norfolk have 11 bedrooms between them, says The Times. Owl Barn and Corner Barn have three bedrooms each, with the latter spread across two floors. Bailey’s Barn is a one-bedroom residence with a spacious reception area and Harvest Barn is the “main residence” spread over two floors with four bedrooms, a utility room, living areas and a wrap-around garden. It currently operates as a holiday rental business, with each barn self-contained with its own private gardens and parking. Cromer beach is a 20-minute drive. £960,000. Click on the image to see the listing.

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