Smartphones are destroying liberal democracy

Heroes
The Guardian, for providing a way for rich, smug liberals to wear their “moral sanctimony” right across their chest, says Brendan O’Neill in The Daily Telegraph. In a collaboration with the New York luxury brand Lingua Franca, the newspaper has launched a range of £281 cashmere jumpers emblazoned with impeccably Guardianista slogans such as “Fiercely independent” and “Facts are sacred”. Readers of “Britain’s most high-minded paper” will no doubt love them. “What better way to mark yourself out from the madding crowd of oiks and gammon?”

Villain
Kim Jong-un, who has decided that love letters are a national security threat. North Korean officials carrying out a routine factory inspection found a missive containing phrases like “I love you” and “the only thing I think of is you”, and declared it evidence of a “decadent lifestyle imbued with the capitalist views of love”.

Hero
Roddy Doyle, chairman of the Booker prize jury, for letting off both barrels over the quality of the novels submitted for consideration. The Irish author says he and the other four jurors agreed to discard all but 31 books from the original 153 before they even began discussing the longlist. “Now and again I would feel a bit of relief when I realised, to my mind, that it wasn’t a good book and I would stop reading,” he said. “But [then it would] happen twice in a row and I started to feel a bit low because this is not what I have signed up for. I want to read good books.”

Villains
The Canadian sportswear company Arc’teryx, for staging a giant fireworks display in the Himalayas that was criticised by locals for damaging the mountains’ fragile ecosystem. The brand, which has long prided itself on its conservation credentials, apologised for the pyrotechnical promotional stunt, saying it was “out of line” with the company’s values.

Heroes
Men in Bristol, after the city’s council appeared to suggest that they can give birth. Responding to new guidance on trans issues proposed by the Equality and Human Rights Commission, councillors recommended that mothers should be referred to as “people with ovaries” and fathers as “people who use paternity services”, and demanded support for trans women who want to “chest-feed” babies.

Villain
The long hot summer, the effects of which may lead to the cancellation of this year’s World Conker Championships. Organisers of the event, due to take place next month in Southwick, Northamptonshire, say the warm weather has led to tiny conkers that could split when being drilled to insert laces.

The best effing umpire in the world

The cricket umpire Harold “Dickie” Bird, who died this week aged 92, was the first of his profession to become a national institution, says The Guardian. He was as near to infallible as it was possible for an umpire to be, and renowned for the way he offered light relief during the hard yards of a five-day Test match. His close friend Geoffrey Boycott recalled one incident when the Australian bowler Dennis Lillee, frustrated at not getting the decision he wanted, knelt down in front of Dickie and told him he was effing this and effing that but “still the best umpire in the world”. “And you, Dennis, are the effing best fast bowler in the world,” replied Dickie. “But it’s still not out.”

Born in Barnsley in 1933, Dickie had an undistinguished cricketing career, hampered by injury and nerves, before pivoting to umpiring in 1970. His anxious disposition made him an unlikely candidate for such a high-pressure job, but immediately he “felt at home”: heckled by a spectator during his first Test, Dickie simply took off his umpire’s jacket and offered it to his critic. He had a fastidious nature – fussing continuously about bowlers’ footmarks, overhead planes and, most notoriously, the light – and he was neurotic about punctuality. He once turned up for a match at the Oval at 6am and had to explain to a policeman why he was climbing over the gate; when he was appointed MBE in 1986, he arrived at Buckingham Palace at 5am. But players and spectators alike respected him for his “unabashed pleasure” in the game. “To say Dickie Bird loves cricket,” said his lifelong friend Michael Parkinson, “is a bit like saying Romeo had a slight crush on Juliet.”

🥩🤵‍♂️ Whenever I did evening cricket talks with Dickie, we’d be served meat, potatoes and vegetables, says David Lloyd in the Daily Mail. Being a bachelor who lived alone, Dickie would always pop his head into the kitchen afterwards and say: “That beef were lovely. Do you mind if I take an extra slice for my dinner tomorrow?” He’d then slot the meat, wrapped only in a napkin, into his blazer pocket and head home. “After a while, you grew used to the smell of that jacket.”

We’re used to Paul Thomas Anderson, director of There Will Be Blood (2007) and Boogie Nights (1997), having “a surprise up his sleeve”, says Robbie Collin in The Daily Telegraph. But it’s still hard to overstate just how “electrifyingly improbable” – and brilliant – his latest movie is. One Battle After Another is a “madcap urban warfare thriller” starring Leonardo DiCaprio as Bob Ferguson, an anti-government revolutionary in California jolted out of retirement by the re-emergence of an old foe (Sean Penn) out to kill him and his teenage daughter (Chase Infiniti). It’s packed with sly comic touches and “exhilarating” action sequences, including two of the best car chases in years. DiCaprio is outstanding – reminiscent of Jack Nicholson in his prime – and Penn puts in his best performance in years. Update your Oscars predictions now.