Donald Trump announced last night that the leaders of Israel and Lebanon would meet today for the first time in 34 years. The Israelis confirmed the arrangement, though Beirut said it was “not aware” of the plans and that any talks could only come after a ceasefire. Senior Pakistani officials have arrived in Tehran for negotiations aimed at solidifying a peace agreement between the US and Iran before the current ceasefire expires next week. The UK economy grew by a faster-than-expected 0.5% in February, before the war in the Middle East triggered a global energy shock. The Office for National Statistics figure, which comfortably beat economists’ forecast of 0.1%, marked the fastest month-on-month pace of growth in more than two years. The clicks made by sperm whales are one of the closest parallels in the animal kingdom to the system of sounds used in human language. Researchers found that the marine mammals’ clicking noises, known as codas, are made up of complex combinations of vowel sounds and that they use patterns similar to those seen in languages such as Mandarin and Slovenian.

The furore around Donald Trump’s online spat with Pope Leo XIV misses the central fact, says Melanie Philips in The Times: Trump is right, “the pope’s attitude to the Iran war is shocking”. Leo accuses the US of waging an “unjust war”, intoning that the Gospel sides with peacemakers and can never “justify the shedding of innocent blood”. But presenting this as a war of unwarranted aggression against innocents is a “moral inversion”. The alternative to attacking the utterly evil regime in Tehran is not “peace”. It is giving a free pass to an enemy sworn to destroy you, and abandoning the innocent people of Iran, whose lives are immiserated – and in vast numbers, ended – by the theocratic psychopaths who run the place. What could be more just than putting an end to such evil?

That would be true, says Ross Douthat in The New York Times, if that’s what Trump was up to. But he isn’t. At least for now, the president is explicit that this isn’t a war for regime change – he’s happy to cut a deal that would leave the clerical elite in place, and facing no punishment for their appalling crimes, as long as they give up their uranium and unblock the Strait of Hormuz. That’s no moral crusade. As far as anyone can work out, America started this conflict without a clear strategic objective or coherent ethical justification. The pope has every right to say: “This seems like an unjust war.” It’s what popes have done for centuries. What’s abnormal is Trump’s profane and sacrilegious response – calling the Pope “WEAK” and posting an AI-generated image of himself as the healing Christ – which has millions of American Christians pondering the “spiritual peril” of standing by their man.

😡🗳️ It’s not just Catholics the president is alienating, says Zachary Basu in Axios. He is torching the entire coalition that made him president, including: crypto enthusiasts, who feel burned by repeated Trump family scams; farmers, who are being hit by everything from tariffs to migrant labour shortages and now soaring fuel costs; podcasters, who feel betrayed by the Iran invasion, the Epstein files and “suspicious trading activity”; non-white voters, who liked his anti-woke stance but don’t like the cratering economy; and the general “MAGA media”, who can’t believe he has abandoned the core reason they voted for him – “America First”.

With the Strait of Hormuz blockaded, some 20,000 seamen are stranded aboard more than 1,600 vessels. I’m one of them, says an anonymous seafarer in UnHerd, and it’s “something else entirely”. For nearly 50 days, we’ve watched drones being shot down over our heads and missiles explode on far-off targets. I watched the Al Salmi oil tanker go up in flames after being hit by an Iranian drone – I’m on a full supertanker, so “watching it burn felt like looking into a mirror”. There’s also nothing to do. My bored, frightened crew are losing the plot: making inappropriate jokes, getting in fights, crying, having panic attacks. And because the cheapest thing for our corporate overlords is just to leave us here, we’re effectively in prison. Still, war zone pay is double. So that’s something.

When Steven Lawyer recently went to the Bahamas for a month, he didn’t want his six-year-old parrot, Bebe, to miss out on all the fun, says Rachel Raposas in People. So he invented a miniature submarine, made from a plastic food container and a paintball air tank, so that Bebe could explore the marine life of the Atlantic Ocean alongside him. “He went in willingly,” Lawyer said, rather unconvincingly. “He likes doing these kinds of adventurous things with us.” This isn’t Bebe’s first adrenaline-spiking trip: Lawyer has previously taken him skiing, long-distance bike riding and even skydiving.

Britain is on for a “summer of sex”, says Olivia Petter in The Independent. This “blunt, horny instruction” has come from the most unlikely of places: the Labour MP for South Derbyshire. Samantha Niblett (“quite some nominative determinism in action”) says she wants to rewrite cultural attitudes towards getting frisky. Her “Yes Sex Please, We’re British!” campaign is about introducing “lifelong sex education” and taking control of our “Britishness” to feel less awkward about discussing our sexual endeavours. About time too – sex is something we all do, “not to mention enjoy”, but society’s “limited sexual script” means not only that we often feel ashamed about enjoying a bit of hanky-panky but that we’re all learning about essential concepts such as consent far too late. So, to Niblett’s “summer of sex”, I say: “Yes, yes, yes, minister.”

Sorry, says Madeline Grant in The Spectator, but “never has the case for earplugs been more compelling”. Just as the world “teeters on the brink of geopolitical collapse”, this “dignity-phobic” MP has teamed up with someone who was “apparently not created by Jilly Cooper” called Cindy Gallop to ask us all to join a “national conversation” about our private pleasure. Should no area of life be free from government interference? Even in the bedroom, it seems, the hectoring voice of politicians must be obeyed, lest you accidentally engage in some “non-Adolescence-compliant rumpy-pumpy”. Niblett and Gallop also plan to stage a series of sex-related events in Westminster, one of which will involve sex toys being brought in. “Imagine Harold Macmillan flogging dildos in parliament.” Britain is currently coping with a war and soaring energy bills. Why on earth are we “diddling while Rome burns”?

Prospective housekeepers at the royal residences have to pass the so-called “dead fly test”, says Astrid Hofer in Reader’s Digest. It’s exactly as it sounds: Tracey Waterman, who is in charge of hiring and firing all royal domestic staff, hides a dead fly in the fireplace before leading the candidate into the room, showing them around, and then mentioning what a beautiful fireplace it is. If they spot the fly and pick it up, bingo bango. If not, “that’s pretty much it”. Apparently half of candidates spot the fly, but only one in 10 picks it up.

I recently got talking to a fellow Gen Z at a party about the dating app Hinge, says Zak Asgard in The Times. “Hey, you’re a writer,” he said. “Why don’t you craft a message to this girl I’ve matched with?” I typed out: “Are you free for a coffee next week?” Before I could press send, the guy grabbed his phone and berated me: “Are you insane? You sound like a serial killer.” He then wrote a message that talked about his “very large personality”, and how good he was at using it, and finished: “Are you down to smash?”

It’s the most expensive house ever sold, says the FT: a £275m Grade II-listed mansion in the grounds of the Royal Hospital Chelsea. Rather hearteningly, the buyer – Oxford-educated quantitative trader Suneil Setiya, who grew up in Hull – is a major Labour donor, while the seller, property mogul Nick Candy, is the treasurer of Reform UK. The John Vanbrugh-designed house, once home to Britain’s first prime minister Robert Walpole, has the biggest garden in central London after Buckingham Palace. Amenities include a 14,000 sq ft basement with a 60ft swimming pool and the first private Imax cinema screen in Europe.